"Brainiack" Inferiority

I had a meeting this week that made me feel very, well, not smart.  It's a regular meeting that I attend concerning the progress of a study that I have been assigned to assist with at the medical school.  It's on cranial rhythmic impulses.  Thank goodness I was there to assist with the actual data collection for this study or I don't think I'd ever be able to understand just how we got the data that we've now been discussing for a year.  

I typically meet with the biostatistician and a DO (doctor), who is the primary investigator of the study, and we talk about tons of different ways to look at the data (gobs of numbers on an Excel spreadsheet) to come up with different findings.  This week, a Truman professor also joined our meeting, making our cozy accommodations around a tiny four-person round table even more cozy.  My world seemed very small as I sat there face-to-face with three geniuses (all of which are probably twice my age).  A WHOLE LOT of words were being thrown around that I recognized from my statistics courses, but did't understand well enough to keep up... bayesian statistics, goodness of fit, slope & regression, dependent and independent variables, boot strapping, etc.  It seemed to me that all the other participants at this meeting were taking in the discussion and processing the information rapidly.  My brain, however, was catching words here and there and then trailing off to try to remember anything that I once knew about what it meant.  

An eight page progress report with graphs and paragraphs was handed out to each of us by the Truman professor of Calculus (aka "brainiack") who had been working on the statistical implications dealing with entrainment between the subject and examiners during data collection.  My first observation was that the graph's axis were not labeled.  How was I to know what the graph was representing without labels?  He went through each of the graphs, explaining them.  I watched the eyes of the biostatistician to know where exactly on the page I should be looking and when to flip to the next page.  I could not follow his points at all.  It was so over my head.  The best I could do was nod my head as if something were going into it. 

You can imagine, with an hour of this, how one's brain could wonder.  "I want to redo the pillows on my couch.  Where could I find a cute tutorial or picture of one to make it from?  Better Homes and Gardens? A craft blog?  I wonder how long it would take to get a flatter stomach? I need a plan... without a plan it won't happen. I think I'll do an hour of cardio four times/ week and maybe train for another half marathon.  When will I have time to set up a meal plan with recipes?"  Then, I would realize that my mind had been trailing off and I hoped that I wasn't just staring at the wall for the past two minutes! Back to inside my brain, "Okay, Natalie. Focus. It's just an hour.  Try to get it.....  Okay, I don't understand a thing. BUT I'm a motivated girl! How could I begin to understand this?  Get out my old text books?  Ask for personal meetings with the biostatistician before meetings so I could have a better idea?"  The thought of trying to understand sounded exhausting and way too much effort for the reward (probably still being able to contribute very little in these meetings).  

Sometimes the people I work with make me feel like I know so very little (and that's after eighteen years of education and a post-graduate degree).  They make me realize just how much the human mind can be developed.  As much as I learn from the subject matter of the meetings I attend and studies I'm involved in, I learn perhaps even more from observing the way in which things are done amongst highly intelligent people.  What might sound like this between lower educated persons, "Your idea is illogical and I think it's stupid, so we're not going to do it," sounds more like this amongst highly educated individuals, "Your reasoning is well put and I have taken note of it, however with our understanding of the situation at this point, further discussion about other options would be premature."  I marvel at how well highly educated people can express themselves, their opinions, and communicate professionally without getting anyone on edge about personal preferences and shot down ideas. I've learned that the key is to be able to back up thoughts with reasoning and logic using clear communication, free from emotional extremities (highs or lows).

There are some days when I wish I didn't work and I didn't have to stretch my brain and motivational powers to amount to what is asked of me.  I day dream about being at a park with my babies and other Moms, enjoying the sunshine and a picnic lunch.  I day dream about being at home in my family room just staring at my baby as he/she sleeps and being perfectly content to be far away from statistical jargon and monotonous data processing.

I even day dream about having enough time at home to do the laundry and the dishes, clean my car, and reorganize a closet.  Sometimes I think that what I do at my job is irrelevant and I'm wasting my time... my twenties.. my only twenties, but then I snap out of it and remember that I wouldn't have any money to craft and run races and pay for our needs if I wasn't there in that office.  I know there will come a day when I miss working... that day when I have multiple kids that keep asking me why the sky is blue all day and wipe boogers on me and scream when I won't get them happy meals because of how unhealthy the chicken nuggets are. Then, I'll remember my quiet days in my office where I, for the most part, enjoyed what I did and felt good doing it. 

One of the great challenges of life is being happy with the here and the right now.  There are pros and cons to every situation... single/married, house/ no house, kids/ no kids, mini van/ no mini van... and the great lesson that we have to learn through it all is to be grateful for what we have and patient to obtain the things we want, being content with what's been given and always striving to develop ourselves, whatever the circumstance.  The grass usually isn't greener somewhere else; it's greener when you water it.